Return to Innocence
by Blueeyedtiger12
Summary: "At times like this, I wish I could just…protect her, like she's always done for me. In the end, it's all just wishful thinking...and wishes,just like dreams rarely ever come true."   FemShep/ Liara Takes place during LotSH.Title based of song by Enigma
1. A Lover's Requiem

**A.N: The story takes place during LotSH, after Shepard and Liara have drink's but before Liara leaves the Normandy. This First chapter is from Liara's POV. Hope yall like it. constructive criticism and reviews are encouraged.**

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**Chapter 1: A Lover's Requim**

I never could get used to the Normandy's silence…back when we were hunting down Saren, that is. You'd think with such a huge FTL drive, there'd be, at least, a constant smooth humming resonating throughout the entire Ship. Instead, there is only silence. This silence, most of the time, was the root of my inability to fall asleep. But now, as I lay here in the Captain's quarters of the Normandy SR-2, the silence is very soothing…like a lullaby. I guess this change of heart comes from 2 years of deadly espionage and constant paranoia suddenly having come to an end, giving me the chance to finally relax. Wow…I still can't believe all of this. It's finally over. The Shadow Broker's dead, Feron is safe and now, I'M the Shadow Broker. And it's all thanks to….her.

She's actually…alive

I hear the sound of rushing water coming from the bathroom. I guess she woke up before me to take a shower. Heh. I can't help but giggle at this, for it reminds me of the time when Shepard and I first took a shower together…the night after Sovereign's destruction.

* * *

_When Shepard first suggested the idea, I shyly declined. But she calmly kept the pressure on until I finally gave in. It was an astounding experience._

_I was the first to step in the shower. Even though I agreed to it, I still couldn't help but feel a little…reserved. Sure, we had scene each other naked once before, while melding the night prior to landing on Iilos, but the shadows enveloped most of our frames, concealing even our most…sensitive areas. But the shower was well lit, leaving no shadows._

_I turned my back to the shower's entrance, that way all that Shepard would be able to see was by bare backside, and nothing more. Afterward, I heard the shower door open and shut. She stood there behind me in silence. Aside from the fact I was still nervous, I wanted badly to see how she truly looked unclothed. So I swiftly turned my head to catch a quick, unnoticeable glance. Bad thinking on my part, because once I caught a glimpse, I couldn't get myself to turn away. The water trickled down her body, causing her creamy colored skin to glisten under the bathroom light, making her defined muscles transparent throughout. Adorning her chest are a pair of aesthetically beautiful, round, succulent breast, leading down to a chiseled set of abdominals and a slender waist. She epitomized magnificence._

_I was abstracted from my enthralled trance when Shepard suddenly said, "I take that from that look on your face, you like what you see…correct?"_

_My cheeks reddened in response to Shepard's sudden query. In the end, all I could force from my lips was a quiet, simple…_

_"Yes."_

_I didn't know what to expect. I had learned that in many human culture's, staring is considered to be quite rude. So with that in thought, I feared I might of accidentally offended Shepard. Instead she just looked at me and smiled. It was a soft compassionate smile… but with a mischievous twist. She then said…_

_"That's nice to know…'cause I like what I see too."_

_That must have been the hardest I had ever blushed in my life. And before I could even come up with any word's to say, my lips and mind were sealed…with one amorous kiss. The rest is history._

* * *

Deep down inside, when Shepard first made the offer, I knew I wanted to accept. It was just my timid nature that hindered my desire to accept. I think Shepard knew this and that's why she insisted so much. I know it sounds strange but…Shepard just has this aura to her. An aura that draw's you to her and make's you wanna follow her anywhere…perhaps even into the depths of hell itself. This feeling…I can't really explain it…then again, when it really comes down to it, there's a lot of things the heart and soul know that the brain can never comprehend. It's quite fascinating.

I look over next to me, to the small table beside the bed. On top of it sits her Kuwashii visor and, of course, her old Alliance dog tags. I reach to grab the tags, letting them dangle and jingle between my fingers. Whilst doing so, my mind goes back to when I retrieved them. Less than a month after the…incident, I set out to find Shepard…or at least all that remained of her. I began my quest in the Terminus Systems. While venturing on one of the system's planets, I came across the dog-tags…but they were around the neck of another, an old krogan warlord to be exact. He told me that he discovered them on Alchera and was keeping them as a souvenir. It took time, but after some negotiating…and helping him kill a huge thresher maw, he acknowledged my plea and respectfully gave the tags over. After that I met a batarian freighter captain, whose ship was heading to Omega, and paid my way aboard.

While battling that thresher maw, I knew then and even now that I could've died, but it was worth it…even more now after seeing the look on their Shepard's face whilst returning her tags. I rub the tags through my hands. They are badly scarred, but I can still make out the words engraved in them:

**Name**: Shepard, Matoko A.

**Social Sec**: 867-53-099

**Blood Type**: B

**Religion**: Non denominational

After my observation, I leave the tags to rest on the small table and turn my attention to the visor. When picking it up I notice how light it is. But what really captures my attention is the faded and dried up blood stains covering it, serving as an eerie testament to the many trials and tribulations Shepard has had to face, just to insure the galaxies safety…along with mine. The sight of it invokes a numb pain down within me. I wonder what it's like for her…to be her I try to somewhat appease my curiosity by putting the visor on and looking through it. It doesn't fit as well as I expected. This might be due to the fact that we asari lack ears…but then again, so do Turians and Garrus' visor seems to fit him like a glove.

Suddenly, I hear the bathroom door open. I immediately put the visor back in place and lay down, hopefully before she can notice. Her footsteps were silent, but I'm almost certain that she's now standing over the other side of the bed…watching me. I can't tell whether or not she knows I'm awake but I get the feeling she doesn't. I lay here, and start to wonder if she's really there. I choose to be the first to speak and say,

"Matoko…are you there?"

For a minute, there is no answer. But the silence is abruptly broken with…

"Yea…I'm right here, Liara?" Her voice is gentle but still manages to shatter the air, like broken glass and send shivers down my spine every time she says my name. I turn over on my side to face Shepard, only to see that she has concealed herself in the dark shadows, hovering over the opposite side of the bed.

"What are you doing just standing there?" Part of me knew what the answer was going to be

"…Watching you… It's quite a lovely view." I retort with light chuckle and an inviting tone…

"You know Shepard, the views even better with you in it."

"I beg to differ…but if you say so…" As soon as Shepard says this, I fell the opposite side of the bed dip to her body weight.

"How was your shower?"

"It was okay. Did I wake you?"

"No. I just woke up less than twenty minutes ago. While sleeping, I reached over to embrace you but you were gone…that's when I awoken."

"I'm sorry. I actually thought about asking you to join me but you looked so peaceful while sleeping. I couldn't bring myself to wake you up from your dreams."

"It's okay. You're here now…that's all I need." Shepard roles on to her side to face me. Thanks to the blue glow illuminating from the fish tanks across the cabin, I am now able to behold her entire bare body. While my eyes study her wondrous anatomy, they take discern of the scars covering her…including her face. The scars adorning her body appear to have healed completely but the ones on her face are jagged and glow a dark orange. I am compelled to ask…

"Do they hurt?"

"…no…Cerberus wasn't quite done with my reconstruction when I woke up. So, it left me with facial scaring. The biosynthetic alignments are what make them glow. The scaring wasn't as apparent as it is now…Miranda say's that it's due to high amounts of stress while possibly due to certain decisions I make."

"Interesting…are they correctable?"

"Yeah. Dr. Chawkwas and I have chatted frequently over the matter. Turn's out there's a surgical procedure available for the med-bay that can help to completely heal the scars…but…"

I raise an eyebrow in slight bemusement "But..?…"

"But, the tools and chemicals mandatory for the procedure chemically nullify all of the Doc's anesthetics, possibly making this-"

"A very painful procedure…"

"Exactly…How was your dream?" The sudden change in subject's came after stiff pause in Shepard's voice. Talk of the surgery, must've of made her very uncomfortable. Inside, I begin to loathe over my sheer stupidity and carelessness of asking about her scars. But proceed to answering with

"It was wonderful but …very saddening."

"What exactly was it that you dreamt of?"

"There was an ocean. It seemed to go on forever. In it, there were no signs of any life…all except one fish. From the bright colours apparent on it's scales, I'm guessing it was a tropical fish hence it was suited more to shallow clear water's of the shore. Instead, it swam out in the deepest depths of the far ocean. It was as if it was searching for something."

"What happened?"

"I knew that if it swam any deeper, the water pressure would prove too much for it's delicate structure and crush it completely, killing it. I wanted to reach out and stop it, but I couldn't. It just kept swimming deeper and deeper until…it disappeared into the darkness….then I woke up. It was all so strange. I know it was probably just a meaningless dream but when I woke up…something inside made me want to just break down and…cry."

Although I had described my dream exactly as I saw it, I tried to keep my personal interpretation of it cryptic, so as to not worry Shepard even more. Shepard must have been aware of this, which most likely served as the reason for her subsequent set of actions.

She minimizes the bed space between us and caresses my cheek. Amidst this sudden act of affection, Shepard leans in, locks her eye with mine whispers, "Please…don't worry. One day, perhaps real soon, It'll come back out of the darkness of the deep fray…and return to the shallow tropical waters that it loves so much…I promise…"

"_Damn it, Liara ,don't cry. DO NOT CRY_", is all I'm able to tell myself, as tears begin to fill my eyes, ready to stream down my face once more. My mental cries for restraint prove successful, as the swelling of tears in my eyes gradually descends until not a trace of water is apparent in them. Even so, I still find our eyes locked on one another. To many, Shepard is seen as this deadly, fearless and insuperable soldier of great galactic importance. But her eyes, are of a soft and delicate demeanor, and tell the story of a tragic past, a bleeding heart…and a lonesome soul.

It's at times like this, where I wish I could just…save her from all this chaos and protect her, just as she's always done for me. In the end, it's all just wishful thinking...and wishes, just like dreams rarely ever come true.

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**Phew i finally finished it. **Hope you guys and girls like the first chapter of my fanfic. I worked real hard to make sure everything was clear in precise. The next chapter will be from Shepard's POV and will contain more details of their little rendevous than in this chapter. Hope to have it one really soon.


	2. Don't Speak Enjoy the Silence

**Author's notes: _PHEW! Finally, the second chapter is finally complete. Terribly sorry it took me so long. School and scholaship hunting has been keeping me a lil busy...along with a little artistic nit-picking on my part. I can't help it, I'm a perfectionist who aims to please the masses (no pun intended lol). Anyways, if this chapter is being told from Shepard's POV. I named this chapter after two songs i thought fit it quite well. There's also a couple of lyrics from another song that was, originally supposed to be the name of this chapter. I leave it to you to try and find them, while reading. With the way this chapter ended, I plan on things getting a little more interesting (phillisophically and psychologically) in the next chapter. I'm gonna try and get it up sooner than I did this one. In the meantime, REVIEWS AND CRITIQUES ARE ENCOURAGED. I really would like to improve my writing skills so give whatever advice (and compliments) u can. Auf Weidersen. Oh and F.Y.I., if u can't tell, this chapter start with a dream sequence_**

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**Chapter 2: Don't Speak (Enjoy the Silence)**

The sky is crimson, the moon is _pitch black and the earth surrounding her has been scorched with flames. She hears feint screams resonating throughout the air but cannot pinpoint where they come from. She wanders through this barren land, searching for signs of life but finds nothing. Suddenly, the earth begins to shake violently under her, forming large cracks in it's surface. The quake ends and from the cracks rise what appear to be shadowy human corpses. The corpses slowly walk towards her while she stands in absolute shock, unable to move. The corpses stop a few feet away from her and begin to speak._

_"Well, look who's here. If it isn't our old pal, Matoko Shepard."_

_The voices have a familiar tone to them. She tries to make out who these mysterious characters are._

_"From that stupid look on your face, we can tell you don't recognize us in our current form. To tell you the truth, we didn't expect you to anyway. Here, let us refresh your memory." The talking corpses then morph to take on new forms. Once the transformation is complete, she instantly recognizes them as her old squadron buddies...from Akuze. "There, is that better?" Having so many questions to ask, she tries to speak but her voice does not obey, leaving her a mute._

_"Don't even try to speak, Shepard. Your voice has no value here. Instead you shall enjoy the silence and face what you know to be **the truth**." Her efforts to speak cease and she stares in silence._

_"It appears that, due to your so-called **'courageous acts of bravery' **on Akuze, you are now considered a hero. Hell, they've even erected a statue in your honor...kind of a slap in the face to us **REAL** heroes, wouldn't you say, Shepard?...considering that all of us here know what really happened that night." The commander thinks back to the massacre on Akuze. The memory, alone, still manages to make her cringe. _

_"While the rest of us fought to protect each other from that thresher maw attack, like real marines, you retreated and cowered behind some boulders until morning came...didn't tell the Alliance about that, did ya?..." Shepard was never proud of how she handled the attack on Akuze, and was made uncomfortable everytime it was metioned. When people ask her how she managed to survive the bloody massacre, she would just respond with a vague description of her actions and leave the inquisitor to decipher her answer, while she walked away. _

_"How did it feel, Shepard? How did it feel to peep from behind rocks and watch as your comrades were devoured and torn apart by those thresher maw? How did it feel to hear our screams being drowned out by the squeals from those monsters?" Some marine you were, you **WEAK, PATHETIC, WORTHLESS BITCH**!" His words echo across the land and leave Shepard with a subtle sense of self-loathing. Another corpse then rises from the ground._

_"Why hello, Commander. You remember me don't you?" Unlike the previous corpses, this one is in the form of one of the refinery engineers from Zorya. "How could you have done that to us, Shepard. We thought you were a saviour...not a murderer. You have no idea how painful our last moments of life were. The milignant flames scorching our flesh, while the toxic fuems filled our lungs, suffocating us. You could've saved us, Commander. Instead, you chose some mercenaries loyalty to you over your own humanity and ignored our cries for help. Tell me Commander...was it really worth it? Was the death of all those innocent people really worth the trust of one infamous mercenary?...I highly doubt it."_

_Being faced by the demons of her past actions begin to take a toll on her. But instead of running away, she stays standing before the corpses, and faces the brunt of their assertions...and the blame . Going unnoticed, something sneaks up behind her and taps her shoulder. She swiftly turns around in response to the tap, prepared for whatever it is. But her body goes limp when she sees who it is. _

_"Long time no see, eh Commander?" She instantly recognizes who this is. Only then, is she finally able to utter one word. And that word is..._

_"Kaiden..."'_

_In front of her he stands, wearing his old, battle-scarred Alliance armor...the same of which he wore on Virmire. Half of his face is unscathed, while the other half is distorted and completely burnt . Feeling a potent mixture of grief and compassion, Shepard reaches out with one of her hands, in hopes of actually getting to feel Kaiden's warth once more. Her hopes crumble before her very eyes, when he slaps her hand away before she can make contact. She looks into his eyes and is terrified by what she finds. No longer is this the Kaiden she had befriended, cared for and at one time, had a subtle sense of amor for. His eyes are now filled with rage and glare down on her. His voice is now cold and brooding, even more so with what he says next..._

_"I trusted you, Matoko...I loved you, and from the way you treated me...I thought you loved me too. I should've known, you were just leading me on and that you'd reject me. And for what? SOME INTROVERTED ASARI BASKETCASE." She desperately tries to explain to him that she didn't mean to hurt him and that she cared about him, but her voice, once again, disappears before she can do so. Silence is all she is left._

_"AND THE WORST PART IS...it's that you lied to me, Shepard. You said you'd come back for me...but you never did. Instead, you escaped Virmire AND LEFT ME TO DIE ALL ALONE!"_

_Surrounding her, the corpses begin to close in. There's nothing she can do. There is no hope of freedom. Only remorse, disgrace and pain. _

_**"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! WE'RE DEAD BEACUSE OF YOU, SHEPARD! "**_

_Crushed by the pressure of what she faces, she breaks down into tears and descends into the eerie darkness._

_**"SHEPAAARD!"**_

_..._

* * *

I awaken from my sleep in a state of panic, drenched in a cold sweat. I feel the erratic pounding of my heart as I clench my chest and gasp for air. Realizing that I'm still in my quarters, I'm finally able to calm myself down and regain composure. This is the 3rd nightmare I've had this week. It seem's the nighmares are becoming less and less frequent. It shouldn't be too long before they completely stop and fade from my memory. I just want them to stop...I just want to forget...but I can't. This leaves me no choice. I have to escape...the only way I know how.

...

* * *

Water rushes from the shower head, and down onto me. I tilt my head back and close my eyes, in a moment of release, as the hot waters stream over every crevice of my shivering body. It is only here that I am truly able to forget about everything else and just let go. Lost in this tranquil moment, I begin to think back to my childhood on Earth, many years ago.

I grew up an orphan in the Osakan slums of Japan. I never knew my parents, but was told that my dad was American while my mother was Japanese. I was kinda small and anemic for my age, making me a constant target for bullying I can't remember a day where I wasn't picked on or beaten up. Sure, I'd try to fight back but always ended up losing and getting the crap kicked out of me even more, while most of the adults just sat by and did nothing. The only part of the day that I completely looked forward to was when I got to take a shower...or when it rained. The waters would rain down on me, washing away my troubles and pains, if only for a couple of minutes. Sometimes, I would fantasize that my whole life was just a dream and I'd eventually wake up to a better life...I guess you could say I never woke up. But the older I got, the stronger I became, until I was finally able to put up a good fight against them and eventually win. After winning my first couple of fights, I felt like I was on top of the world and no one could stop me. But instead becoming the very thing i hated, I fought to defend the smaller children, and few friends i had, from being bullied. Believe it or not, but...it actually felt good to protect them. I no longer felt worthless and thought I was actually helping to make a diference in someone's life. This continued up into my teen years, even after I joined Red Sands at 16. At that time, it seemed like a good idea to join the most powerful gang in the district. I thought i'd be able to protect even more people , but soon learned that this was nothing more than a fool's ambition. To make a long story short, after two years of constant turf wars, beatdowns, illegal acts and too many near-death experiences to count, I finally got tired of all the meaningless chaos and left the Red Sands. Then a week later, on my 18th birthday, I bid farewell to the orphange and enlisted as a marine in the Alliance.

Although my childhood wasn't exactly all that great, sometimes I can't help but miss it. It's always_ violence _that _breaks the silence_, and _comes crashing into my little world_ to painfully _pierce right through me_.

I reopen my eyes, withdrawing from my nostalgic inner-thoughts and returning to the steamy waters of my shower. What feels like only a couple of minutes, turns out to be half an hour. While in here, _pleasure remains _but once I leave, _so does the pain_. Part of me wants to stay here, in the shower, a little longer but I decide against it. It would be self-centered of me to leave my...'special guest' alone any longer. Besides, i can't keep running away. Eventually, I'll have to face it all. Stopping the water's flow, I bring my shower to an end. I then grab my towel and walk over to the sink, sighting my reflection in the small mirror above it. It seems my hair has grown a little, as it's ends now reach further down my neck. I think I might actually let it grow out. I also notice that the scars on my face have become more noticeable than ever before, and emit an orange glow. Rubbing my hands over the jagged, painful wounds , I am once again reminded of all that's happened to me so far…but still, I find it all so hard to believe. Two years after the Normandy's destruction and my apparent death, I'm suddenly resurrected by the pro-human organization, Cerberus, and put in command of the most advance ship in space. I then assembled a deadly team with whose help, I've survived the destruction of a collector's base in the Omega 4 Relay, once again beating the odds, crippling the reapers and saving the galaxy from impending destruction. And it's all thanks to…her.

Damn...never saw that coming, but I can't deny it...I missed her alot.

Still dripping, I exit the bathroom to reenter the cabin. Darkness consumes it, with the only source of light coming from the two large fish tanks across the room. Nevertheless, I quietly make my way over towards the bed but halt in my footseps a few feet away , staring in awe at the wondrous sight before me. There in my bed, she lays sound asleep. The blue fluorescent glow of the fish tanks reach across the room and land directly onto her bare backside. The sheets rest below her waist, neighboring her thighs and leaving her exposed to the midnight air, to the glow of the tanks…and to me. I make no movements and instead, leave my eyes and mind to wander over the asari's delicate figure, from the shadows. Her well-curved thighs, her perfectly tight round bottom and her curvaceous back, which a couple of hours ago, I delighted in planting tender kisses down. I become lost in my adoration until…

"Matoko…are you there?" Her soft, patient voice catches me off guard. In my head, I quickly try to decide whether or not to respond.

"Yea…I'm right here, Liara." Saying her name gives me a warm feeling inside that I've come quite accustomed to. As soon as she hears my voice, she turns over on her side revealing her anterior to me…while I remain lurking in shadows.

"What are you doing just standing there?" I want to tell her how beautiful she is, instead…

"Watching you… It's quite a lovely view." She let's out a light chuckle that burns me up inside and even though she can't see it…my mouth curves into a smile.

"You know Shepard, the views even better with you in it."

I begin to argue the opposite but catch my words upon realizing it's pointless to even try. So, I emerge from the shadows and crawl into bed , where she awaits my arrival. Roling over on my side to face her, her eyes immediately catch my attention. The electric blue orbs survey my body in pure fascination, but also take notice to the scars covering my body and face. I avert my eyes, in shame of my appearance.

"Do they hurt?" I can't allow her to worry anymore about me anymore than she already does…so I lie.

"...No..." I then explain to her the reasons behind the glowing. She brings her to my body, silently _strumming my pain with her fingers_...and_ killing me softly _with her kindness

"Interesting…are they correctable?"

"Yeah. Dr. Chawkwas and I have chatted frequently over the matter. Turn's out there's a surgical procedure available for the med-bay that can help to completely heal the scars…but…"

"But..?…"

"But, the tools and chemicals mandatory for the procedure chemically nullify all of the Doc's anesthetics, possibly making this-"

"A very painful procedure…"

"Exactly…" After that, neither of us say a word for at least a minute. "Way to go Shepard", is all I can think to myself. I try and protect her but my words end up doing her harm, anyway. _Feelings are intense _so I try and change to a lighter subject before the stigma can worsen.

" How was your dream?" My _words are trivial_.

"It was wonderful but …very saddening." Her eyes shift to a much darker blue, at the mention of this. It appears that I'm not the only one haunted with nightmares.

"What exactly was it that you dreamt of?"

She begins to explain me her dream. I listen closely.

"There was an ocean. It seemed to go on forever. In it, there were no signs of any life…all except one fish. From the bright colours apparent on it's scales, I'm guessing it was a tropical fish hence it was suited more to shallow clear water's of the shore. Instead, it swam out in the deepest depths of the far ocean. It was as if it was searching for something." This causes me to think back to the nightmare. I instantly see a feint connection but still I continue to listen to her, _singing my life with her words._

"What happened?"

"I knew that if it swam any deeper, the water pressure would prove too much for it's delicate structure and crush it completely, killing it. I wanted to reach out and stop it, but I couldn't. It just kept swimming deeper and deeper until…it disappeared into the darkness….then I woke up. It was all so strange. I know it was probably just a meaningless dream but when I woke up…something inside made me want to just break down and…cry." She tried her best to keep the mood as light as possible while telling me of her dream, but I knew she was trying to hide the true meaning behind it from me.

I scoot closer to her and place a chilled hand on her warm cheek. Locking my eyes with hers I whisper, "Please…don't worry. One day, perhaps real soon, It'll come back out of the darkness of the deep fray…and return to the shallow tropical waters that it loves so much…I promise…" I hate making promises I'm not even sure I'll be able to keep but I certainly won't leave her dreams her...as mine do me.

Tears begin to swell in her eyes, but she holds them back long enough before they can be shed. Whilst in her most vulnerable of moments, she still tries with all her being to protect me from what lies beneath the surface. I've caused her so much pain and yet…she stays by my side, even when others have abandoned me. She was the one who endlessly searched for me. And when she finally found what was left of me, her friend ends up getting captured by the Shadow Broker because of me. For over two years she suffered and faced constant danger…all because of me. There's so much I want to tell her, so much I want to share with her...but i can't. This shame...this pain must be mines to bear alone. In the end, my words are very unneccessary...they can only do harm. "Shepard I...I...", Please don't. I know what you're about to say. _I know what you're thinking please_..._Don't tell me, cause it hurts_. "I lov-", I stop her before she can finish the sentence and…

"I know.…that's why I'm here." I remove my hand from her face and bring them to intertwine them with her finger's. I want so bad to hear her say those three powerful words, but feel undeserving of them...and of her affections. I don't deserve her...but I can't bring myself to let her go...just as she couldn't me. _All I've ever wanted...all i've ever needed is here in my arms_

"Shepard...there's something I've been wanting to ask you…"

"Sure. What is it?

"Well…umm…this is so strange. I'm not quite sure on how to ask this. I'm not even sure if I should." Sometimes, like right now, her shyness amuses me to the point where it just makes me laugh inside.

"Come on Liara, you know you can ask me anything." Afterall what could she possibly ask that I'm not prepared for?

"Okay…ummm…how does death feel?…Shepard…what was it like to be dead?

Damn...didn't see that coming either.


	3. Halo

**Author's Note: This chapter is told from both Liara and Shep's POV and they are broken up by horizontal the parts, throughout the fanfic. The italics are Liara, while the normal letters are Shepard (for the most part) Enjoy.**

**Halo**

_"Shepard…what was it like to be… dead?"_

I freeze in silence, unnerved by the question I've just been asked. I thought I was prepared to answer anything she threw at me, but I was nowhere near prepared for this, let alone anticipating it. I lay frozen, in thought, trying to piece myself back together and deliver a response, but find that this is nowhere near easy…**at all**. What could I answer her with? What could I possibly tell her that would make any sense? Was everything I saw and felt even real…What if it's best that I don't tell her anything about it at all?

What're you gonna do Shepard?…what are you going to do?

* * *

_"What was it like to be… dead?"_

_As soon as those words left my mouth, Shepard's smile disappears, fading into a blank, emotionless stare. She stays this way for about seven minutes, without even a single blink or sign of movement. At first, I thought she was just in deep thought but this was somehow different from what she would usually do. Usually, there would be an ardent gleam in her eye, a common sign of her determination to solve the predicament at hand. Now, there is no gleam nor flicker of any kind...just a glazed look of detachment. Her muteness causes me to become a little worried. Had I known that she'd react in such a way, I wouldn't of even thought of asking her…a little too late for that now, I guess. Once again, I've managed to turn an entirely light-hearted situation into a tense moment. It's official: I have got to work on my social skills. But, for now..._

_"Shepard, if…if you don't feel comfortable talking about it then we can just talk about something el-"_

****

"NO!"

* * *

I'm withdrawn from my catatonic state and instantly brought back to reality, by the sound of my own voice resonating across the room. What just happened? I look to Liara and find her looking back, her eyes bare a sense of panic...and a hint of hurt. Did I cause this?…i did. Silence instills the cold night air. What have I done? For some reason, unbenkownst to me, I have just snapped at the one person whom I can confide in. I have to make this right.

"I-I mean…no, sorry. I didn't mean…that wasn't what I…" Unable to justify my sudden outbursts, I bite down on my bottom lip, in contrite. What the hell is wrong with me?

* * *

_Shepard's sudden outburst takes me by surprise...shock, to be more exact. I'm not certain, but I think she might've just snapped out of her afore mentioned daze and back to the present. The only time I've ever heard her yell like that is in the heat of battle, when trying to communicate with the team. Strange...although her voice was filled with hostile animosity, her eyes contrast it completely, with what appears to be uncertainty and a hint of...fragility. When __she realizes what has just happened, she does her best to make an uneccessary apology but..._

_"I-I mean…no, sorry.", Her voice has now been reduced to an uneasy whisper, "I didn't mean…that wasn't what I…", and cracks before she can finish her sentence. Instead, she bites down on her bottom lip, in regret of her outbursts. My right hand's firm grip on the sheets becomes even tighter..._

_"Shepard…", It's at this moment that I notice a crimson colored fluid running down the side of Shepard's mouth. She must of not been aware of how hard she was biting down. I take my thumb and wipe the blood away, with ease ."You need not apologize...I understand. It was foolish of me to ask."_

_"No, it wasnt. It's just…well there's just so much that I felt and saw. Hell, you'll probably think I'm crazy."_

_I raise my eyebrow, but this time in skepticism of Shepard's reason for reluctance. __"Shepard, please. You're an elite N7 soldier, who's survived countless life-death situations and saved a massive space station, housing millions of people, from total death. After the apparent destruction of your ship, you were brought back from the dead, by an extremist pro-human organization, to take on a race of highly advanced bio-synthetic, squid-looking machines who threaten the very existence of us all. I on the other hand, the Shadow Broker, head of the most revered information organization in the entire galaxy am your lover. And now here we are, lying in your bed, carrying on a conversation over your last moments before death. I doubt anything you tell me will be any crazier than that."_

_"….yeah, I guess you're right." She sigh's, in preperation...and proceeds._

_"Okay…well after you and all other survivors evacuated, I went back to go get Joker. When I got to the cockpit, he was still trying to helm the Normandy. I tried talking some sense into him, but while in the middle of doing so, the Collectors fired off another blast. The beam cut right through the ship, leaving only the cockpit in tact. Seeing as that the remainder of the ship could explode at any moment, and that Joker was being a stubborn ass, I had no choice but to throw him over my shoulder him and carry him to the escape pods, before the Collector's could fire again. Luckily, I was able to get Joker over to the pods in time, but before I could get inside, I was flung to the opposite side of the cockpit by a sudden explosion and grabbed onto the wall bearing the launch button._

_"Did you try to make it back over to the pods?"_

_"Had I tried to, I wouldn't of made it in time and Joker would've got caught in the blast with me. Plus, a part of the beam from the Collector's attack blocked the pod entrance. I sure as hell wasn't about to let Joker die because of me, so I did the only thing I could do...I activated the pod, just in time for Joker to escape. Seconds after the pod's departure, flames began rush up around me, in mid-air . I knew what was about to happen and clutched my teeth in preparation for what was about to happen."_

_"Is that when ?…"_

_"No. Actually, the explosion was so powerful that it sent me flying out of the ship and into space. I floated aimlessly, watching from yards away as the Normandy fell apart before my very eyes. __All of a sudden, I started hearing a loud hissing noise from behind me. Turned out my suit somehow got damaged from the explosion, causing a leak in my oxygen supply. I tried to stop the leak while, at the same time, I was being sucked in by a near planet's gravitational pull. I kicked, tugged and twisted, in desperation. But the more I struggled, the harder it got to breath. Then it got to the point where I couldn't breath at all. My blood began to go thin; my veins popped out, deprived of oxygen. Before I knew it, everything faded to black..." _

_I felt my heat sink in the middle of Shepard's last sentence. The very thought of trying to imagine all she witnessed and felt, alone, made my stomach knot up. When I saw the Normandy crumble to pieces, in that fiery blaze, I kept telling myself that she had escaped; that everything was going to be all right...but it wasn't anf for the next 2 years of my life...nothing ever was._

_"But…the very moment before that…I saw something."_

_"What was it?"_

_"I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. My birth, my first steps, my first kiss, my first kill... Everything. Then after I died I-"_

_"Wait...you mean...you actually remember?..."_

_"Yeah. I know it's freaky but...yeah. I actually remeber being in the afterlife..._

* * *

Liara's mouth dropped in astonishment to my bizzare confession. Her expression tickles me so much that I can no longer hold my composure and break into laughter. My laughter was so hard, I even snort a couple of times.

"Ugh stop laughing at me." Her embarrasement shows through her serious facade, as her cheeks turn a dark blue. But, in sight of my laughter, her glare gradually turns into a smirk. In trying to continue the account of my encounters in the afterlife, I do my best to cease my laughter and continue.

"Sorry, but I just couldn't resist. I'm sure, now, you're just teeming with questions to ask me."

"Yes, like...where did you go?"

"At the beginning, I was surrounded by a strange darkness...just total nothingness."

"What did it feel like?...was it painful there?

"On the contrary, I didn't feel anything at all. There was no fear, no pain, no adversity just …existence. I could see nothing but the darkness and it seemed as if I was now in a different dimension of reality. Even my body was dfferent. No longer was my skin covered with scars and stitches, instead, it appeared flawless and unscathed. . Still puzzled as to where I was, out of nowhere appeared this bright aura in the near distance. It gradually got closer and closer until it stood inches away of me. At first, I was made uneasy by this mysterious being's presence but It then began to speak to me. It's voice was warm and...pure. It spoke in a language I'd never heard before, and yet somehow...I could understand it. "

"What did it say?"

"It explained to me that I was in neither time or space, or even Heaven or Hell but in…a type of holding place. It also said that it was not yet my time and that there was still much that needed to be done. I automatically knew what it meant by that."

"The Reapers."

"Yes...it didn't mention them directly but it showed me a vision, foretelling of their arrival. It was a vision of Earth. One by one, explosions engulfed it's surface. First starting of small then spreading across it's continents. I knew what was happening...the reapers were attacking. I watched in horror as the Reapers continuos onslaught, unable to intervene. It felt as if a piece of me was dieing, right before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do. The vision continued until the Earth was completely dark, depleted of all human life. That, right there, was possibly the most painful thing I ever had to experience, even more than when I was dieing. Once the vision came to it's end, the mysterious being came up behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder, to comfort me. I turned back around and was in awe of what I faced."

"What was it?", my eyes widen in suspense of Shepard's response. It's like I'm, once again, a young child sitting in front of a Matriarch, listening whole-heartedly to the tales of the many experiences she had had, in her many centuries of venturing across the galaxy. What was it Shepard saw? By the Godess, i must know.

"It was an angel. His appearance was so divine. He had six wings and wore a garment that reached down to his feet, girded at the breast with a golden girdle. His long flowing hair was the color of Earth's soil, and his eyes, green, burned through me like a fiery blaze. His smile alone, filled me with a joy that I had never known. And befor I could get a word in, he embraced me and spoke his final words...**'Know, dear one, there is no limit to who you can be...as long as you believe and follow your heart. Through His power, you shall save them all.'** Once he had spoken a his aura consumed me. I closed my teary eyes in submission and let his essence overtake me..."

"Do you remember what happened next?

"Yea…I opened my eyes. My vision was blurred but, now, I'm pretty sure that Cerberus was in the middle of reconstructing me. It was all so cold, stale…metallic. I started panicking for at that time, nothing made any sense. My heart to pounded like crazy, my body ached and I could barely breathe. For a second, I didn't even know who I was, until this strange woman, standing over me, spoke my name…it was Miranda. She tried to keep me calm and restrained me from making too much movement. It wasn't long after they injected me with sedatives that I, once again, fell back under. It was then that I had a dream...of you. You were just smiling, then at the very end, you started calling my name. When I woke up,I kept hearing someone call my name...I thought it was you. But when I came to, I realized it was Miranda over the intercom. The Lazarus base was under attack and I was the target. I managed to meet up with Jacob and find Miranda before we escapep and well...here I am."

"Godess...you were right after all Shepard. Even I find this all hard to believe. Seems like you've had quite the adventure"

I look at her and smile..."Yeah, and there's still much left to be done. There are times where I just feel trapped and want to escape it all. But then I think back to that vision and am reminded of what I must do. My life on Earth was never great. Almost everyday was a constant struggle. But there's no denying it: Earth's my home and it's there that I grew up and learned many lessons that have made me the person I am today. I don't know how I'm going to do it but...I'll get it done.

"Shepard...you don't have to go it alone. We're all behind you. Garrus, Tali, Joker, Dr. Chakwas and everyone else we'll follow into battle and help to destroy the Reapers, once and for all."

"Well...what about you."

"As if you haveto ask. But since you did..." she reaches over with her right hand and grasp mine "No matter what happens now and then, or what obstacles get in the way...I'll be right beside you, holding your hand and being your friend...to the very end."

Usually, it's me who tries to keep people safe from harm or at least try to make them feel safe. But, at this moment...for the very first time in a long time...I'm the one who feels...protected. I can't help but smile back with...

"Thanks...just wanted to hear you say it, is all"


	4. Come Undone

******Authors Note:** **I totally suck at self made deadlines, even more so than I ever thought i could. Sorry bout that. My perfectionism and procrastination got the best of me...again. I know this one is kinda small but the next one will be much bigger. I particularly don't like how this chapter came out, but I think i feel comfortable enough with it to post it. Feel free to give me some constructive criticism over what you think. And just as a reminder, the breaks symbolize the transition from Liara's POV to Shep's and vice versa. And yes, this chapter is named after a song, as well. In the hopes that my writing hasn't gotten stale, enjoy the new chapter.**

* * *

**Come Undone**

_I run my fingers through the ripples adorning the bed sheets. The silky texture is of an exquisite quality, even beyond that of what you would find in the finest homes on Thessia. I guess being the impending savior of the galaxy comes with it's... small pleasures, so to speak. To my subtle amusement, Shepard's eyes follow my fingers the random circles i now have them making in sheets. Her description of the time she spent in the afterlife was nothing short of remarkable. It's kind of left me speechless for the moment, afterwards. But I can tell there's something she wants to ask and a part of me is almost certain of what it is. It's just a matter of when she'll decide to..._

_"Liara?" There we go_

_"Yes, Shepard?"_

_"There's something I've been wanting to ask you as well..."_

_"Okay..."_

_"Ever since you told me back on Illium of how you got my body back and handed it over to Cerberus, I've been wondering...did you ever...did you ever feel that you would of been better off...if you never came aboard the Normandy?"_

_I knew this would come up between us, eventually. I just hoped not so soon..._

_"What makes you think that, Shepard?"_

_"I don't think that necessarily but...Liara, even though you've never actually said it but I know that, for these past two years, you've been through nothing but hell. I could see it in your face, the very moment I reunited with you back on Illium. In the way they way you were so intent on finding the Shadow Broker. And especially in the way you cried, when we finally killed him and you had taken over his operations. You've suffered so much for the past 2 years ...and it's all because of me."_

_No. That's not...ugh, goddess why am i still talking to myself?_

_"Shepard, you can't go blaming yourself for all that has happened. It's not fair to you."_

_"But that doesn't matter if it's true, does it?" as much as i wanted to say something back, even I knew that logic had won this argument...no matter how much my emotions contested.  
_

_"Had I not died, you wouldn't of had to risk your life scouring the Terminus systems in search of me. Had I not died, Feron wouldn't of been captured and you wouldn't of had to live these past two years in constant apprehension of when or where the Shadow Broker would attempt to take you out."_

_"But also...had i not died...you wouldn't of had to spent these past years mourning over my death, reliving it over and over in the back of your head and cursing yourself for not preventing it, when you know, for a fact, there was nothing you could do but just watch as the Norma-"_

_**"Stop."**  
_

_That was all i could force out as I clenched her hand. I don't want to release it...I don't want to let her go...not again. But __why is she doing this? __I want to look on the brighter side of it all, like I used to. There was a time where i was filled with optimism and compassion stretched so far as to even feeling nothing but pity for Saren and his imminent doom. But as I've learned over these past years, living for so long in caution of the shadows has a way of...dimming the 'brighter side' of things, to the point of where there isn't even a single trace of light. Just a darkness that feels as if it shall never end, no matter how hard you try to outrun it... Who am I kidding? Neither of us can run away from all that has happened nor all that will happen. We might as well face the facts... together._

_Finally, my voice obeys me..._

_"Shepard...Ok. since you are so intent on knowing how I feel about all that has happened, I won't lie to you. I'll tell you what you wish to know..." I clear the lump in my throat, "Besides, if we're going to go at this together, we have to at least try to be honest with each other. . .about everything."_

_Shepard fixes her eyes upon mine, as soon as I utter that last part._

* * *

"While our joining does enable us to see into each others thoughts, feelings and emotions, that's not what gave you away, Shepard." Her grip on my hand relaxes and I feel a chill go through me. "Believe it or not, but It's actually your eyes."

"My eyes?"

"Yes. You tend to avert them in another direction, right before you're about to lie. Since you only do it for a split second, it's not that easy to pick up on. But I remembered that it as one of the few...ticks you had. I know of the things you try and hide from me...I've known all along. I understand why you've been doing this so there's no need to apologize. You want to protect me as much as I want to protect you. But, Shepard...you don't have to hide from me. If anything, I wish you wouldn't..."

I couldn't respond wit anything except...

"I should of known you'd see right through me. . .you always do."

"I was just about to say the same thing to you. It's all so frustrating, though. It's like...the more we try to close the space between...the more we fear of hurting each other. It doesn't make any sense."

"...the hedgehog dilemma."

"huh?"

"It's a psychological term I learned when I was young. It refers to the notion that...as two beings become closer in a relationship, the more likely they are to inflict pain on each other. But if they were to part from each other...they would only end up feeling the equivalent of that pain, psychology...as loneliness."

"I see... When I think about it, that definitely makes sense. An equivalent pain...but in loneliness. I guess you could say we're quite the pair of hedgehogs, huh?"

"Yeah...I guess we are."

Once again, silence begins to fill this space between. No...I won't let it this time. In an attempt to lighten the mood...

"Oh well...look on the bright side."

"And what might that be, Shepard?"

I do my best to keep a straight face and not snicker, until i cant hold it in anymore and...

"You'd make a really cute, blue hedgehog."

* * *

_A twist of Shepard's comical optimism is all it takes for me to bury my face in the pillow beneath...this time to stifle my resonant laughter, instead of my...impassioned sounds from earlier. Although the pillow proves to fail in both situations, either way, It's a wonderful feeling to know my laughter gives her so much pleasure...among other things. But in this situation...I believe it's the laughter that keeps us from breaking down into tears. It would appear that Shepard is the optimist now and because of this, I m left to believe that the 'brighter side' is in her just being alive. The irony, alone, is gladdening and gives me an even greater sense of hope. After letting out most of my giggles, I resurface from the pillow, with a huge grin on my face that Shepard returns with her own._

_"Thank's for the compliment, but I think I'd prefer to stay an asari."_

_"Yeah, me too."_

_"But now...to answer your question from earlier..."_

_I feel a chill...is it something real. Or is from the magic I'm feeling of her fingers?  
_

_"Are you sure? I mean...you don't have to if you don't want to..."_

_"I'm sure, Shepard. It is now my turn to be completely honest. Plus, it's only fair I detail these past years, when you've already answered my inquiries...and I know exactly where to begin."_


End file.
